HATE

HATE....
HATE....
HATE....
Such a strong word, everyone says. So is LOVE and BEST FRIEND and FUCK. You can throw those words around... I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. I love life. The trees, the wind, the freedom, the free-thinking. I have severe paranoia. I have Schizoid Personality Disorder. I see life how it really is. I don't think in lines, I think in shapes. I'm not hard-headed. I'm determined. I never give up. I never forget. I coast til the waters are clear. One smile, one frown, one laugh, hides a hundred thoughts. You never know what I'm feeling. I am manipulative. I rationalize everything. I never run away from my problems. I tend to run right into them. If you ask if something is wrong and I say nothing...leave it alone. Something is obviously wrong, but I am not the kind of person who says leave me alone but means, ask me the same question over again.Don't PUSH me to do ANYTHING...my homework..chores...giving somebody crying, a hug. Just because I don't do something right then, doesnt mean I will never do it. And if I never do something...then thats not me. Pushing me will only push me AWAY...there's no such thing as pushing me closer to you.If I say OK...leave it alone. Ranting on just shows your character, the type of person YOU are, not your point.I hate..when people state the obvious. If you come up to me and exclaim I have brown hair or hazel eyes or a purple shirt on...don't expect anything from me but a stupid stare...what do you want me to say...yeah! you're right! Well no shit. I don't expect you to understand me or feel the same. I never expect anything of anyone. I am constantly indifferent. I've talked about things relating to MY life and MY personality...I never made it explicit. Am I saying I'm the only person in the whole world like this? No. Am I saying you can't feel how I feel? No. But are you me...have you walked my path...are you in my head...no, you're not. You do not have my DNA. You do not have my fingerprints. I say and do and write whatever I want because I want to...for me. I'm not trying to create pity or express my "creative side" or make you understand me. If I lived in a Black pit with nothing but air, I would still do the same shit, wear the same shit, say the same shit, write the same shit...even if no one is there. The environment will always change, but I won't. I tend to lose everything...but that's natural. Even if I lose things and people and memories and links to the past, where I was truly happy and nothing could touch me, right after one another, in patches of time. I used to think everything I touched turned to shit. I used to think I existed ONLY for others....because I wasn't doing anything for me and neither was anyone else. People would take and take and take and I would continue to regenerate, until that person left my life...but I would always have certain things that were links to when I loved everything. I am distant. I am in my own world a lot of the time. But I never forget you're there...or reality...or problems....or responsibilities. I am not bitter. I am not mean or evil. You're probably going to read this and say eh....and not take me too seriously...something just stepped on my nerve and I will get over this phase...I used to have this drive to prove EVERYONE wrong...and to show them who I am. But that drive has stopped. I no longer care, because it's pointless. Before I even open my mouth or post a blog...your judgements are already there...your own personalized view of the world and people and other views...your judgements are imprinted in your mind, even if you TRY not to....you feel it at the back of your skull. At the pit of your stomach...all the way to the tips of your fingers. Hate...who determined the meaning of that word....who was the first person..to gasp in shock when the first person to use it in an angry way, threw it...in their face. Where do we come from..why is the sky blue...why is the Earth round...why are my eyes Hazel...don't ask me questions...or for advice if you don't want to hear my answer. I am harsh. I have been called harsh...by my boyfriend...my best friend...my parents....random people I don't even know...and I agree. You HAVE to be harsh...to not be hurt by harsh words. You have to grow up. You can't submerge yourself into something that's not there. I don't expect Liz to be there or do anything. I don't expect Amber to be there or read my thoughts. I don't expect Trevor to love me til the end of time. I don't expect my parents to be there for me or care. I don't expect my "family" to pick up the phone and call me. I'm not saying anything bad about them...I never said they never have or they won't... I have lost a certain hope...not in myself....but little things. I hate when people hug me...when I am mad or irritated or want to be left alone. I feel disgusted by the human touch when I don't want to be there.My dad said I've gotten colder. What did he expect. What does anyone expect of me. Have I gotten colder? Or have you just never really paid attention...to the little things. It's funny. It's just a predetermined judgement. I have always been cold to a certain degree. I HAVE gotten colder. I try to hold back my tears now. Is it me....is it my personality disorder...is it something else...is it temporary. Is it everything? One thing is made of multiple different things...a thought...a religion...a shirt...a personality...a person's appearance...
You think alone...you feel alone...at certain points you are alone. We all die alone. What is seen as, to a lot, the most horrible thing...death...so morbid...so painful. Death is natural. Death is beautiful...it makes room for life...in death is life...it takes away the pain of someone or something suffering. Death doesn't HAVE to be painful...you can die in your sleep. What scares people of death is...the loneliness. No one is there with you...walking towards the end of your life...they may be holding your hand or right beside you...but you're the only one dying. You are always "alone" in one sense of the word. No one else is you...Everyone has this invisible, thin, sticky sac clinging to every curve of their bodies, that is what makes you, you. You can be walking side by side with someone, but they're in their own thin..invisible..sticky...sac. It's not pessimism. It's not depression. It's not illogical.
I am alone. But I am not lonely.

love is just a chemical....
..but what is hate?