wait

Sometimes I feel myself start to cry, just sitting there, staring at nothing in particular.  It's like I'm walking through crowds and sitting at coffee shops, waving to a friend, looking at a cute guy, but no one sees me. They just walk past, continuing their day without giving me a thought. I used to read everyday, I was never bored, I always found things to do. I stopped reading, I stopped writing, I havent really given a fuck about the garden outside and about the vegetables I was suppossed to be growing a few seasons ago. I guess it was a void I was filling and then I found the love of my life and I guess he filled that void, but that was the biggest fuck up of my life. It really takes a person of great persuasion to make you feel like you have no say in getting slapped across the face or getting beaten with a shoe with your arms pinned. It must take a lot to make a person feel so worthless that they would eat the shit from the bottom of a shoe just when asked. You don't even need to press a knife to their throat or anything, you just tell them "eat the shit from the bottom of that shoe" and they abide, crying, but still choose to do so. To make somebody feel so worthless, that they're not good for anything except one day every two weeks when their paycheck comes, takes a great person. To be able to rape someone then walk away and just shrug when confronted is astounding, but it takes a person with greater persona to be able to rape someone, walk away, shrug, and still own that person like a table or a chair. I never felt like a girlfriend, I felt like property, but I stayed. I don't like telling people that, especially my friends EVERYTHING he did to me, because I'M the one that stayed with that punishment for 2 years, that makes me look weak. I was weak, I turned into a blubbering, love-sick puppy with zero self-worth. I honestly thought I couldn't do any better than a guy that cheated on me, hit me, and used me every chance he got. But I can write that here because no one reads this blog.

But that was ages ago, but I still think about it. Just as I do with a lot of things. Ever since I was little I always read that traumatic experiences are shoved back in our mind like they didnt happen until something triggers the memories. I've always waited patiently for my bad memories to be shoved in the back of my mind, the dreams of a dead friend the day after he died, my ex, Lailah. I'm still waiting. I feel like I'm falling through space sometimes. I'm sitting in this chair but time is ticking my life away and I have nothing to show for it. I've aged 21 years and all I have are what ifs and bad memories. I strive to be happy, I strive to run away but I never walk out that door, bag in hand. What I crave to run from is all in my head, I can't run away from myself, it will always be with me. I think.... maybe if I sit still they won't see me. It's the only time I have peave anymore. When I'm just sitting or laying down, staring at nothing in particular, feeling myself almost start to cry, I don't know why though, they just come like my eyes remember something I don't. Everything is a reminder of something bad to me.  Every face reminds me of another. I'm still waiting.

Maybe I don't really read anymore to escape into solace because it's pointless, just staring at the cover and how many pages there are, most likely an average of about 300 pages, is defeating. I'll finish it in what... 2 days, 3, 4? Even then I'll have to put the book down sometime to use the bathroom or do something for a friend or go to school when I think of memories or see something or someone that reminds me of something or someone else that I wish so badly my mind would realize I don't want to remember anymore and shove it in the back of my mind where it will collect dust and I won't just sit here and cry mystery tears and then see something that triggers a thought I don't want to think of. Every book ends. It's so self-defeating. So many things in life are logically pointless but when we're happy we don't think about logic we just do what makes us happy and find happiness in those very illogical, pointless acts or things. Where did my happiness go, where did that go exactly? I would like to know. No one reads this blog, no one sees me as I'm walking past anyway. So pointless, this blog. But I guess it fills a void I have. I still find tears in my eyes, just sitting here, being swallowed by time and space, hearing life tick tock by. Still waiting.

f.m.l

Life sucks right now. You know you've reached a dead end when you've flown across time zones, left your phone, and still haven't escaped.


But there are always recipes. Cooking is one of the few things that make me happy. But then even at the end, you still have to turn off the stove.

my new found love

Death's Puppet - a poem i wrote 6 years ago

No one can escape death

No matter how far you run.

It always comes to get you

When your time is done.

Most only die once

In their times of joy.

I on the other hand

Is death's little toy.

To the curse of living

I am attached by strings.

Everything I ever loved

Is gone by many things.

Those of envy and jealousy

Always say.

"You are so lucky

In many different ways."

I groan at them; disgusted

And reply and say.

"You'd hate to be me

I'm not lucky at all, no way."

Persistent little insects they are

Saying once more they say.

"But you're so daring so brave

Ofcourse you're lucky in many ways."

They don't know what they're saying

I ignore them; disgusted once more.

I mutter to myself; the stupid fools

My miserable life is full of gore.

I am surrounded by death and pain

I no longer shed tears.

I'm not fearless, daring, or brave

Because of the bitter lies and hateful leers.

Those that are full of envy

Are just jealous of a lie.

I'm not fearless of all living things

I'm just not afraid to die.

HAIRSPRAY : the sequel

I finally made the appointment to get my hair done. I sent in the appointmet online and it looked ridiculous: Bangs, Full Foil, Base Color, and Shampoo, Cut, & Style. It'll be about $200 to get the hair I want. Atlantic Studios is thee hair salon, it's the only place I'll get my hair done, and I will only request Chelsea, she's done my hair for about 8 years if not more, she knows my hair best. I have long hair and it's super duper thick, it's always funny whenever I would get a new stylist, their reactions are all the same when they unravel my hair and analyze it. They all have "what the fuck" looks, it's hilarious, but I laugh to myself, there are two kinds of people you never want to annoy or infuriate: people who have your hair and people who have your food. I love having Black hair, but I wanted to have a complicated look, I used to always just have base color. It's Black now, but I decided to dye my hair (all over = base color) a rich, deep brown and then I'm going to have my bangs cut straight across and thick.

Then I'm going to have platinum blonde streaks on the underside and purple streaks on the underside. And I'm going to have some purple in my bangs...maybe, IDK, I might just leave the bangs brown.

I might have a few purple streaks in my bangs, but it would be way fewer than the picture above.

The bangs (color wise) would be more like this, a little less chunky though and ofcourse more purple, like the other picture.

I always see two-toned hair, I'm going to have multi-toned.

when i get my check

i'm getting this shirt.... in red.

Where to Buy the shirt

tudors

When The Tudors first came out, I was like oh shit this looks so awesome, but then I watched it and I was like, eh and didn't watch an episode since. I was scanning Showtime on demand and I saw The Tudors on there, all 3 seasons. So I decided to watch all of them. I'm on episode 4 in season 1, yeah Henry is hot, but it's not very realistic considering all this shit didn't happen to the real Henry til he was old and sagging..but yeah, I don't think a sagging, old man with a white beard fucking all these women would have made the ratings go up either..I don't think there would have even been a season 3. I like the show so far except for when I notice little details that irk me. I've pretty much made a routine out of it, I wait til everyone's asleep or in different rooms and then play one or two episodes every night, because I'm the only one that wants to watch it.

fusm

Sooo I am in dire need of finding an apartment far far away. I set a goal for myself, I need to have a job and $3,000 saved up so I can move into my own apartment by November of this year.

I'M TIRED OF THIS SHITTTTT!!!!!

FUSM.

w h e e e e w

panic attack.

transfer

I'm thinking about colleges more. I used to have UCSC at the top of my list, but IDK... I think UC Santa Barbara is at the top of the list for me. So I have them in order:

1. University of California Santa Barbara
2. University of California San Diego
3. University of California Santa Cruz

I also learned that if I went to Evergreen State, I wouldn't be allowed to transfer my credits of my community college. (But if CC fails then I can just pack my shit, become a resident of Washington, and then apply there... lol. That's my "runaway plan", just incase.) And ehh to Berkeley and University of Seattle is religiously affiliated, no thanks.

Looks like I'm going to be stuck in California for a good 5-7 years...

boo hiss..

my idol

Elizabeth I

Anne Boleyn

Elizabeth Bathory

gay rights

Model: Marilyn Sanchez
I was assigned a project to promote anything through photography. I decided on make-up; with this project I showed that you can even show your pro-gay rights belief through eyeshadow...and even more proving my point, added an actual engagement ring on her ring finger.


Everything was done with natural (non-studio) elements...I used a white sheet and either the sunlight or a bedroom light. And thats it, ofcourse there's a camera (Canon Rebel). The photo of the makeup and filmstrip, the filmstrip was fun to do. Simple: shoot, print, shoot again.

sickly sweet

im sick. and im excited because i'm starting to plan what i'm going to sell. it sucks that i have school tomorrow, but eh. and i'm going to be coughing every 2 minutes throughout the entire class, so i'm sure i'll be the class favorite.

period for the arm

So I had my blood taken today and they put on the tape afterwards on the cotton swatch like usual. And when I get home, I rip off the tape like I always do, but this time it really hurt like a BITCH, and yeah usually ripping tape off hurts but never like this. And so i look down at my arm where the tape was expecting to see a pound of flesh missing, but nothing was there and i was like WTF then. And i look at it again and then little red dots start to appear and I'm like great, I made myself bleed. But it never bled, as in blood dripping down the arm, it just got worse UNDER my skin, now there's this thick red line of blood under my skin where the tape was and it stings, and every now and then it'll feel like I'm being stabbed in my arm. Soo, I'm confused because it's the same tape that they always use and I always rip the tape off, it must be that time of the month for my arm.

4 year

everyone would love if i went to UC Long Beach....I've thought about it, denied. CSULB is 10 minutes from my house.... I would never be free if I went there, and I'm not talking of a rebellious child running from her parents, cuz my parents aren't the problem.

i AM going to apply to UC Santa Cruz, UC Berkeley or UC Santa Barbara, and UC San Diego.

and if i really wanna say fuck the world, I'll apply to University of Seattle and/or Evergreen State College.

(i planned on going to Evergreen when i was in middle school, then i misplaced the notebook i put the information in...only to see the name years later and remember.)

3 schools isn't bad. I'm shooting for UC Santa Cruz though.