“Love of beauty is Taste. The creation of beauty is Art.” - R.W.E.

Stretched my ears to 8g. It's now officially a hole you can see through with the naked eye. I think when I stop at 2g, it will be big enough.

Then onto getting a second ear piercing and repeating steps 16g-6g. I also got my SEVENTH tattoo a few weeks ago. I realize my last post was on my 2nd tattoo...well I've been a busy bee with the service of ink. I now have (besides my ankh and the latin phrase on my foot) my best friend's initials with a cherry on my finger, a goth pinup on my lower side, a wolf on my shoulder, my godson's name behind my ear, and "as if" on my wrist. I will get my 8th one within the next few months. Finally dyed my hair bright red, now I just have to maintain my roots (annoying....considering how fast my hair grows). But soon!...my hair will be long and no longer red, because by that time I will want to have strawberry blond hair.

New Foot Tattoo

I recently got the side of foot tatted, which hurt worse than when I got the back of my neck tatted, but I'm sure it would have hurt 100X more if I got a tat on the TOP of my foot. It's still healing, it hurts to touch, it hurts even when water gets on it and it stings whenever i put the Aquaphor ointment on it. Sleeping is a bitch, half the time I should be asleep, I'm lying in bed trying to figure out how to position myself. But everyone loves it and I knew it was going to be a process before I got it, this being my second tattoo. I was surprised that my foot hurt a lot though, it mostly hurt as it got closer to my heel, which I also thought was backwards, but I'm no expert on feet so what do I know. It's a phrase in Latin, which is a correct version by the way =), I wrote both sentences (that mean the same thing) and ran it by somebody with a degree in Latin who said both of them were right, so I picked the one without the "est" so it would look more like a phrase than a regular sentence that just happens to be in a different language... if that makes any sense. It means "nature is art's teacher", and later I'm going to get painted sunflowers tattooed around my ankle, which I know will feel just lovely. And I know it didn't help the pain that I went in the tattoo shop nauseous and with a headache, I felt extremely sick during, my mom had to get me a 7 Up during, I told her I wanted to eat before but no she didn't want to listen and before I know it, I'm doing the application and I was the first to go (my mom also got a tattoo for mother's day). And you would think your foot going to sleep during the tattooing would in a way numb the pain, no it just made it hurt worse. It felt like somebody had a thick needle underneath your skin and slowly pushing it out, that's how best I can describe the pain, while a tattoo in a lot of other places, such as my neck, just feels like somebody is scratching your raw skin with a fork really hard. And I hear the foot needs to be retouched a lot, pssh I'm just bout to black marker this bitch. h0lla!

So many...So little...

You know that question, which celebrity would you most like to meet, dead or alive? I've always said Queen Elizabeth I. That hasn't changed, but what about who you would like to date? (etc...etc...) Because I have an answer to that question.

Orson Welles. He died in 1985 from a heart attack, he was 70. I was hooked when I saw Citizen Kane for the first time, after that Google was my friend. Oh Orson Welles. I really respect him, and he's hot, which helps a lot. Well, was hot.

What's up with me and dead people?

have you ever driven barefoot?

Plenty of times.

Ask me anything...anything at all

What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?

Now you will die in one minute bahahaha...

Ask me anything...anything at all

What video game have you played the most?

Zelda for N64 and Gamecube

Ask me anything...anything at all

Who's the most overrated actor?

That's a long list of people. I guess I would have to pick... Kristen Stewart. So what if she was in Twilight? I would say Robert Pattinson but I see Kristen's face everywhere now, more than him.

Ask me anything

If you could eat dinner with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?

Bea Arthur, either an Italian place or a vegan restaurant.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jessicasophia

What celebrity would you most like to meet in person?

Quentin Tarantino

Ask me anything

Redo

If a college English professor graded my life, I would either get a C or a B, for lack of smooth transitions. Ever since my dad left, I've rarely seen him. I'm really trying to get extra money to help my mom out. Decided to get a small internship because I want to go into the Film industry, when I was younger I wanted to be a director, but I never told anyone because I thought it was such a cliche. California girl wants to go into Film...next. School starts in a few days, I'm excited, but my sleep patterns really have to change. My best friend Liz is 7 hours away, but she will be back in Long Beach 2012 I think. My other best friend Amber is moving to Vegas with her son, my godson, Quentin. My only other best friend Daysha is moving to Wisconsin in 2012 or 2013, she's going to buy a house out there with her now fiance, then husband. She's getting married 2012, I asked her if I could be the wedding planner, she said yes. It's so weird how everything has changed, might as well considering I'm going to be moving to Los Angeles atleast by 2012 or 2013. I did my CUNT photoshoot, working on my NIGGER photoshoot. AND I decided to throw out redneck, I'm instead doing KIKE. I figured, sexuality, gender, ethnicity, and religion were appropriate. Then I'm going to do a piece on distorted weight image, with a skinny person thinking they're fat. Then I just need to think of three more pieces before I can submit them to a gallery.

Teacher Comments: Redo

hahahaha wtf

have some more kids why dont'cha

Sleep, Ghosts, But No Shadow People

I've had dreams where I 'wake up' in my dreams then I actually wake up, then am paranoid for like 5 minutes that I'm still dreaming, until I realize I'm not. I've had odd dreams, terrifying dreams, and sad dreams. I used to sleepwalk when I was little, and my parents would tease me the next day, making up insider jokes on my behalf lol then asking if I know what they're talking about, ofcourse I say no, so they laugh. They only told me twice what specifically I did. One time my dad walked in on me sleeping and talking very loudly in my sleep (the night when I crammed for my vocabulary test, which I got 100% on thank you). This other time I sleepwalked into the living room and took out the vaccum cleaner, my dad asked me what I was doing and I told him, "shut up stupid" my dad was about to beat my ass when my mom told him I was obviously sleepwalking. A lot of my dreams contain water and/or falling, a lot of the times I'm falling into a big lake or an ocean. Also snow is recurring every now and then. One time I had snow, falling, and water in the same dream. I've dreamed about gigantic spiders and spiderwebs more than I'd like and I've dreamed about dead bodies aplenty. A couple times I either heard or spoke a language I've never even heard before, and while I dream about friends and my parents, I make up faces way more, rarely I'll create the most gorgeous man... you can imagine my disappointment when I wake up. I've dreamed about demons only once, after I watched about 8 episodes of Supernatural lol. I've felt myself slowly awake from a falling dream, where I feel like I'm about to fall or I'm falling, and then I try to balance myself or catch myself, leaving me to jerk violently in my bed, now wide awake. I've scratched myself so bad in my sleep once, it left a scar on the bottom of my chin (I had short nails for a while after that). I also remember waking up just as I rolled off the side of my bed, dropping to the floor, ain't nothin like waking up to falling out of your bed.
However, there are some instances that really separate themselves from the rest. A couple months ago, I was laying down, exhausted but I wasn't quite asleep when I felt pressure weighing me down (I was lying on my stomach) on my back, like something was sitting on me and then I felt something pull me down the bed by my feet, it was barely a distance but I still felt it. I wasn't scared at all, I was just saying "what in the hell?" in my head. Then I guess it was so intriguing I became fully awake, I couldn't describe what had happened so I just kept it to myself, after I told my dad, he said I was just dreaming, but I know I was awake, because I never went to sleep. When I was little, my mom made me mad so when her back was turned I flicked her off, then later I went to sleep. I woke up because I wasn't comfortable, I lifted my head to turn it but then I felt something slap the shit out of my face, I was so terrified I slammed my head back into the pillow and did not move til I went to sleep. Today I found an article on Sleep Paralysis, based on scientific findings. It's where, you wake up before your brain has time to send the right signals to the rest of your body, so you realize you're awake but you are unable to perform certain functions, like talking or moving, and you hear sounds, voices, you see things such as terrifying figures that have only been described as alien, ghosts, demons, and "shadow people", you also feel things such as pressure, being grabbed, pulled, or choked. Which makes sense to me, gives me an explination to what happened a few months ago, and even though the incident when I was little, I had access to all my functions, it's still a possible explanation, besides my grandmother's ghost slapping the teeth out my mouth. I've never seen figures though, I've heard loud shouting once right as I wake up then like THAT it's gone and up til a few nights ago, those were the only Sleep Paralysis experiences I had. A few nights ago, was the worst one. I was awake, but I felt something poking my pillow, I opened my eyes didn't see anything, so I closed them again. (Once a lot of weird things happen to you, some invisible thing poking your pillow just doesn't do it for you anymore) Then the poking turned to pulling the corner of my pillow, I still paid it no mind, that's when I felt something grab my hair and pull it violently, making my whole head move, making it feel like my head was sinking down into my bed. I wasn't freaked out cuz my hair was being pulled, I was freaking out because I couldn't move. I was AWAKE and couldn't move anything except my lips, you bet I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out, then it was over. My hair was let go and I rolled my head back to where it was on my pillow, I believe in ghosts but that's never the first explination that comes to mind when something weird happens, I kept on telling myself it wasn't real, then I felt the corner of my pillow being tugged again but this time it was more violent, and I noticed the "pulling" of the pillow, coincided with my rapid heartbeat then I was more calm, once I reached a logical state. My heart has never beat that fast in my life. Shit, for MY sake it better be Sleep Paralysis, I'm not too keen on the idea of a demon sitting on my damn chest. I have heard strange noises, footsteps when no one was there, I heard a woman's voice say my name, I've had a pencil thrown at me, I've felt what I think is a cat walking on my bed (I like to think it's either Cowboy RIP or Dinah RIP), I've seen an orange animal-like creature creeping around through my shower curtain and I was wide awake for all those incidents, not half asleep, not in my bed, not even tired. So I have had my share with paranormal activity, but I do believe what I'm experiencing is indeed the sleep disorder Sleep Paralysis.

Sexually Transmitted Disturbance

This guy I've been sleeping with, the whole situation is weird. 

I've known of guys to treat you nice then you have sex then you never hear from him again, or you guys sleep together and he'll hit you up whenever he wants to have sex but then ignores your existence til then.

He'll call me a bitch during sex and pull my hair, but he'll cuddle when he's drunk and he doesn't turn his head when I kiss him once on the lips. He makes sure to not cross the line into "bf/gf" territory, but he'll still wait for me outside when it's cold. He'll be demanding, but not rude. He's always quick to respond to my texts when I want to have sex, but if he texts me and I say no, he doesn't ignore me or turn into a jackass, he just says okay goodnight. He'll be an alpha male during sex, but he's quick to stop and say "I'm sorry" if he does something wrong.

I find it hilarious and extremely interesting.

A.R.T.

Art is a chaotic mixture of beauty, passion, and raw emotions exploded onto a canvas, whether that canvas be paper, skin, nature, clay, metal, wood, film, music, or stone.  Paintings, photographs, architecture, sculpture are only examples of art, not definitions.

Just as it’s said you have to believe in the fairy folk to see them, you must open your eyes to notice art is all around.

BYOB

Bikini designed using Chynna Dolls Bikini custom designer

Tightlacing - Break In (Week One)

So all thanks to my mother for buying me the corset I wanted =) I now am starting to tightlace (waist train). Just like you're suppossed to, it's 4 inches smaller than my natural waist but as I'm breaking it in for the first day, it's only laced in about 1.5 or 2 inches, so my waist is 30" right now. I've heard from plenty of women starting to wear corsets who tightened it as tight as they could the very first second they got it, BAD IDEA! That's not only bad for you but that will also damage the corset, you might as well go to the bank, take out $200 or $300 and just throw it in a puddle then walk away.

When you first buy a corset, and put it on it will look funny, if you expect to look like the models on the magazine or on the site where you bought the corset from, you're in for a rude surprise. You will be tempted to just lace the top and bottom laces tighter than the middle to fill in the gaps, but don't do that, that will throw your corset off.

I have a simple black 28" double boned corset from AbsoluteCorsets.com. When I put it on I was just in a shirt and underwear so once I had it on I tried to put shorts on, that was slightly difficult lol duh, but I didn't bend that much so my corset was not harmed in the process. Currently I've had it on for about an hour, I'm going to leave it on for about 1 or 2 more hours then take it off for today.

There's no rule for breaking in a corset, how long and how often depends on your body and the corset. The standard is about 2-3 weeks, wearing it for a few hours a day, but that's just if you're NOT waist training. I am however, so for the first 3-4 days I'm going to only wear it for a few hours a day, then for the next week I'm going to wear it for longer, probably about 8-10 hours a day. So by the end of the break in process, I will be able to wear the corset 17-24 hours a day.

I read a horror story about this girl who bought a corset and tightened super tight once she got it and continued to do so but she became mad at the corset and those who invented the idea, because she was light headed, had constant headaches, and couldn't breath and she couldn't really sit or lay down as she wanted to. WELL THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO IT WRONG. My story on the other hand is much better, I can sit down, I don't have any headaches or backaches, my breathing is 90% normal, anytime something is compressing your stomach your breathing will not be the same, but I don't feel lighthead or like I'm going to die anytime soon.

Snow White

The real life Snow White, Marge Champion, she was the model for the cartoon character.

Ho Hum

I've gained a few pounds. Figures. Oh well, as long as I only have one chin and I don't look down and exclaim in absolute horror "dear god.. where are my feet?!" I'm not really going to seriously complain.

Went digging in an box in the study today, found a few things. Found some of my old jewelry, ofcourse I kept most of it, put it back into my jewelry box. Found some CDs that I'm now currently putting into my iTunes, Frou Frou, Nat King Cole, Harry Connick Jr., and Bach.

I keep on finding random black marks on my skin, no idea where I keep on getting them from.

"The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole has got to be the sole song that conjures up so many memories. Christmas was always the best time of year, but then death kept on interrupting it and it wasn't the same. The tree got smaller and smaller. We moved from a small apartment to a house. Schedules got busy, no more Nat King Cole being played from the stereo, no more watching old Christmas movies, the animated ones. No more Charlie Brown. It was always nice, now it's less of a fantasy. But every time I hear this song, I get blasted with a hundred memories, a hundred scents, a hundred sounds all at once. I was such a different person. I know everyone changes, but you shouldn't change as much as I have, you should be able to keep some things. But it's always nice to reflect on the past memories, and for some reason it's all centered around Christmas for me. Also, "Caroling, Caroling" by Nat King Cole, I remember that song was almost played as much as "The Christmas Song". And this pop up book of the song...I forgot what it's called, but the book would play the song, I found the book last month but it died =( nomore sound.



When my cousin was shaken when he was 7 months old, two years ago, I always knew what happened. The boyfriend shaked him and kicked him against the wall, I knew he had brain damage and had to be hospitalized, I knew the boyfriend went to jail, but I never knew my cousin went blind because of it and also has cerebral palsy now because of it, never knew the long term effects it had on him..obviously, two years later. To be born that way is one thing, but to have your life made so much harder just because a guy couldn't handle your crying, is frustrating for him and the mother. It's sad, but in the recent photos I see of him, he looks happy atleast. =)

An Ode

No one will ever love you like I did,
but you threw it all away for the thrill of the game,
others in relationships got kisses, all i got were scars,
I didn't fall in love with you, I realize now I sold my soul to the devil,
no one has ever hurt me like you, and now no one will ever again,
everytime i tried to leave, you always made me somehow, stay,
other girls got flowers from her man, you just told me lies,
where were you when i cried out your name,
where were you when i needed my man to be there,
it could have been a simple, sweet love,
but you made it into a neverending battle,
a battle between staying and leaving,
a battle between killing myself or tearing myself away,
a star has your name in the sky, but you gave me the best gift of all,
a life lesson everyone must learn, don't let go,
to the devil, i cast my soul, for your love, but your love,
was not what i thought, so i was left lost in your world,
i gave you the rest of my light, leaving me in darkness,
your hand nowhere to guide me.
An unknown power came down to save me from you,
an unknown force bubbled inside me,
you left me blinded and twisted and scared and doubtful and bitter and hateful with no passion left for anything in this world,
but i regained my bright along with my dignity and passion,
i still have those scars you left,
i will never be the person i was before you,
i'm still damaged but i turned that damage into something beautiful,
but now you wanna change and call out MY name and search for MY hand because now YOU are searching blind and doubtful in the darkness,
my light no longer being there to show your path,
don't you know everything we do in this universe comes back to us in two, well now you do, so boo hoo, to you.

Slide Lyrics - The Dresden Dolls

a late april day and it's sunny outside
and a red little girl's at the top of a slide
and an an orange old man at the bottom
wants to take her for a ride
as she slips and she tumbles the orange man mumbles
pennies crash down from the sky
and he tells her he'll take her away where it's safe
and of course it is a lie
she's a third the down and her skirts are yanked up
and her little girl cheeks start to wrinkle
but her smile is wide and her legs are spread wider
her hair growing long and her hips getting larger
past getting brighter
light growing weaker....
she is halfway down now but the man is impatient
shakes change in his pocket he might have to wait but she's coming...
she's coming...

who are you blaming?
they're just playing!
that's a good one...
who left the playground
a good decade before the bell rang?

as she starts to draw nearer the view becomes clearer
the splinters are painful but she doesn't feel it
the pennies were loaded and as they exploded
she starts to spin out of control...
her eyes are now closing her sleeves are unrolling
up past her head and her veins are all showing
not that she noticed she's thoroughly focused on
one old man who's laughing...
who's laughing....
dont' worry
i've got you
don't worry
i've got you

the orangeman got you.....

If a song could explain a 1000 word thought

Thought of the day

There's never an excuse to be conceited, it only shows your superficiality and how shallow of a character you possess. It's not cute and doesn't deserve any kind of respect. All the relationships you gain through whichever success you've been granted, will all eventually dwindle and show how many people in your life that truly care...zero.

Ick

People are so fake. And I don't mean two-faced, I just mean stupid, they say things and don't actually mean them, like a really bad pick-up line. Ugh. Men and women. So over stupidity.

The Word of the Unseen

I'm waiting for the day when people realize that all religions are all the same thing with different labels. Just like pickles. You have different brands, some are cheaper than others, but they're all pickles. Yes, I just compared religion to pickles. But I know that day will never come, because I know what human nature is. If I were to believe in a religious faith and saw signs and miracles everywhere, the single philosophy I would have is this.. Different religions are the Last Test; we humans keep on remaking the same religion over and over and over again and millions are being murdered or committing suicide over that One religion, repeatedly, there is no one right religion, there is ONLY one religion and those who truly see the truth, see that, those are the few that are saved; saved from ignorance; saved from self-damnation; saved from destruction. Heaven and hell is what we make it, not where we go. I would shake my head at those who call themselves true Christians, or true Jews, or true Muslims, or true Polytheists, etc all because they follow rules in a book, the only reason why they're good to people; the only reason why they help those in need is because the book, their Divinity, told them to. That's not true goodness. Genuine goodness comes from your heart, from the choices you choose to make, not because you were told to do something, not because you're only scared of being tortured for all of eternity; that is too ignorance, that is selfishness. If I was the divine force that ruled over everything, I would bow my head in shame at the race I created, fore more than enough have failed my Tests. But I'm not, so instead I bow my head in shame at my fellow race, because now I am doomed to live in a world polluted in fear, hate, ignorance, and self-destruction. There is no Hell where demons roam and babies are ripped apart from limb to limb, there is only the Hell that we, as the human race, have made here, on Earth and generation after generation have to pay the price.

Turn Those Tears Inside Out

I can't stress enough how important it is to smile and see the bigger picture, to laugh when you get rejected, to turn the other way when somebody tells you that you're not shit. A boy you think is perfect, your soulmate, looks at you and walks away never to run into you again, or to be in a committed relationship while you're single. You can't mope and cry about how you let the perfect one slip away. You can't center your life around anybody else but yourself. Didn't you always hear about how you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket? You have to be able to smile and laugh about The One getting away. Odd word of advice? Because you let yourself center your happiness around the idea of finding that one person that completes you, you find my advice strange. I've learned that you have to be able to shrug away rejection or not even being able to get close enough to touch the person you think is perfect for you... you love the same things, you have the same sense of humor, he/she is gorgeous, and yet doesn't care about you or doesn't know you exist... Painful? Not really. Not anymore for me anyways, because I learned to center myself around.... me. The love of your life got away? So what, you still have your soul, your spirit, the mountains are still there, the friends that you get crazy with, get drunk with, gossip with, have stimulating conversations with, are all still there. You have to see the BIGGER PICTURE. All my life I've had people that were my seniors tell me that I will never amount to anything, the most I'll ever be able to do is to get an AA at a community college, that I have no talent. I've had to teach myself how to let insults wash over me, how to put everything into context, how to be objective and SEE. If I believed that person who told me I'll never amount to anything, I probably wouldn't have.

Learn to smile more.

Learn to shrug away materialistic pain.

Learn to absorb negativity and turn it into something beautiful.

If Michaelangelo focused on one single detail, the Ceiling would have never been finished.

Late Night Confessions

It's practically day light outside and I have to wake up at 11am to feed my dogs and then later babysit my godson until 9:30pm, hopefully I'll have the energy because he can walk now. I do have plans for him today but I don't know how long they will last. I don't want to go to sleep anyways. Sleeping is essential but is such a waste.

I've always been fascinated with baby names but recently when I found out I could more than likely be infertile, I lost almost all fascination with names, because I'm like what's the point? It's like making one of those, create your own shoes or car when you know you can't afford it, it's just another reminder of what you can't have.

I've never been a marriage person. When I got back with my ex, I planned our wedding after he proposed to me. Never say yes when you're not in love by the way. I think I planned it because I just like planning and creating shit. I had everything on this one wedding planner site, theknot.com. After we broke up I've kind of banned myself from going to that site, I'm not saying I have urges to go there, I just don't care for the idea of marriage even more now. And it's not that kind of bitter dislike, it's just less appealing. Just like the idea of me getting a boyfriend is not appealing at all. And guys don't even get it when I say I'm tired of relationships after getting out of my relationship with my ex. "I'm not your ex" is all they'd ever say, and I'd reply with, "you weren't listening to anything I fuckin said." I'm not bitter, I don't hate men, I don't think all men are assholes, I just don't want another boyfriend after being in such a long relationship. I never got a chance to just fuckin ENJOY those 4 years of my life, soooo... why would I throw myself into another relationship? Some people find being in a relationship as a nice security blanket, I see it as a blanket that's suffocating me. When I finally have a chance to be free and on my own and not have anyone to call or make sure I remember their birthday and remember the anniversary date, and not having to explain myself for every single thing that's taken out of context.... why the FUCK..... would I voluntarily lock myself in that cage? That's the point they don't get, that just smells like desperation to me, when you want to be in a relationship with me so bad after not really finding out what kind of person I am. I just stopped telling people that. When they ask why I'm single I just say because I want to be. It is the truth after all.

Desert Thirst

So I've been wanting to take a road trip to the Kelso Sand Dunes in Kelso, CA for about a month. So two days ago, I finally woke up, got my playlist, packed up the right shit and my camera, and drove off. A big rig almost crashed into me while I was on the 605 North. Avoiding traffic and near death experiences, I finally got on the very last freeway while I was in Ludlow,CA (2.5 hours later). I was on the 15 and I didnt even see it, but this sand storm hits my car so hard it sent me into the next lane, good thing a car wasn't next to me. I didn't run into a sand storm that bad after that (good thing too). Finally arriving in Kelso, CA I got off (Exit 78 Kelbaker Rd). I saw this big rock formation and I had to pull off the road and get out my camera.

Got back into my car and drove onward for about 16 more miles, missing the road I had to turn on, I turned around and turned down the gravel road (poor tires), but fuck it I drove 3 hours might as well do it. I'm the only car there, I park and used the most disgusting bathroom of my life. Seeing the signs of snakes, I walked forward saying goodbye to my car. I ofcourse brought water, car keys, and my camera. Seeing footsteps, desert plants, big flying insects, and snake trails I tried to not let the burning sun bother me. (I put on 70 SPF and remembered to wear short shorts.) I walked and walked, trekking quickly is hard to do in the sandy desert. I turn to look back, my car being a small, silver speck in the distance I keep on walking. I stop and calculate how much farther I have to walk in order to reach the very top of the sand dune. I stopped to drink and snap some photos, my feet are burning, my body is on fire, my legs cramp off and on, the more I walked the heavier my feet got, and my eyes were tired of scanning the ground for snakes. The more I drank, the thirstier I got, but I didn't want to drink too much I didn't want to puke at the sand dunes. I knew it would be hell for me to have to walk all the way back so I said adieu and turned around. And as I walked towards my car, the closer I got to it the more thankful I am that I turned around when I did. I felt like I was dying by the time I got to my car, I didn't give a fuck about snakes anymore, I felt my face burning and I was so exhausted from trekking through all that fucking sand. And I had holes in my shoes (why I didn't think of that, I didn't know) so the more I walked the more hot sand got into my shoes, burning my feet and making my feet heavier. I felt stupid because so many have lived in this environment and had to walk through burning deserts for days, but I threw myself in that environment so I didn't feel so bad, but am impressed by those who find trekking through the burning desert not a problem. And it made me miss my parents, if they were there I probably would have made it to the top like I did when I was younger with my mom, but I decided I fulfilled my thirst for the desert. I am glad I drove 3 hours to get there, I figure the traffic on the way back and my car now being covered in sand worth it, and I loved going there by myself, but never again.

In Order to Live

In order to live, you must fail at something. To win at everything is not living, that's like sleeping your way through life. I've had to learn the hard way that you HAVE to stop and breathe, you have to throw everything to the wind and say fuck it, sometimes. I do believe that nothing is a coincidence, that some things are just meant to be, some people you aren't meant to meet, but Life is busy, you have to take the incentive sometimes and help craft your own destiny.

Article on JRM

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-496104/The-troubling-truth-Jonathan-Rhys-Meyers.html

Boy Charts

In high school, I think it was the 11th or 12th grade that I decided to try and find my type statistically. So i made all these charts of the guys I had crushes on spanning my high school career. I had charts on hair color, eye color, skin shades (not just color, shades), personalities, ages and I had other charts relating the previous charts to what I was doing at that time, what my style was, what type of music I liked, etc. So I saw my type change over a couple of years and it mostly related to the type of music I was listening to. When I listened mainly to rock music I preferred white guys with shaggy hair that were older than me. However, when I changed to r&b music being the preferred choice, my type of men shifted to dark skinned African Americans with big lips and that were also older. I found out a lot of things, but that was the one thing that stood out the most.

I'm so fucking odd.

I think I might make charts again, from 2007 to now and see how and if it's changed. I like to make charts for some reason.

Random Hairyness

Daniel Radcliffe hates when people chew gum? That's so fucking strange lol, what a freak. But I'm a freak too, so I'm not talking shit here.

Mona Lisa's Secret

So the Mona Lisa does have eyebrows, they were just barely there to begin with and age has made her appear with no eyebrows. I read that orignally her smile, face width, and eyes were also somewhat different. I've always wondered if she had a veil on her head and it looks as if she does. People put so much effort into their extensive theories on the Mona Lisa, just like people who believe in UFOs are obssessed with government conspiracies.

My Hero! My Heroine!

Soup and Poppies

I'm so fuckin bored with my life.

Idea - PING!

I know there are a million anthologies out there, but I'm not really the romantic but I've had this idea of making a collection of love letters, it's part romance but also part getting a chance to peek into someone's life, you know you read about people but there's so much distance between us, reading something written in their hand, that contains information so intimate, that person starts to change from being a historical figure to an actual person (and I'm talking about love letters from famous dead people, gracefully put I might add) just like the 17 letters written to Anne Boleyn from King Henry VIII, but I would love to go to the Vatican and see them for myself, I wonder if all the letters are on display and if you can copy them. I see copies online, so they leaked from somewhere. And it would be beautifully bound with gold tipped pages and intricate designs and little intros on the relationships themselves, I could also add love letters from modern people that allow it. Just an idea I would love to start.

Ricky Gervais Guide to the World Cup

Ricky - "It was a big, fat bloke right...and he was massive right and I think it was 1990, er, 1992 when England got knocked out and he went mental.  And he was so angry, he went out and he wanted retrobution, okay, luckily there were no German people around but the closest he could find was a sausage van, so poor bloke who delivered sausages. And he turned it over, he got the van and he turned it over cuz he was selling sausages so he thought that's German enough."

Karl - "Well if he's fat then he was probably just mad that it wasn't open."

Amsterdam December 2010

I'm going to come back to this blog, but me and my best friend made plans to travel to Amsterdam this Christmas, so I bought a small Frommer's guide book. To me, most of the fun of going someplace new is stumbling upon extraordinary finds on accident, not walking around with my nose shoved in a guide book, telling me what to do and where to eat and where to stay. I love Eurotrip and I've wanted to go to Amsterdam ever since I saw that movie, I don't want to be tricked in painful sexual fetishes, but I've just been intrigued. I've never been outside the Americas, so this should be great =)

Irony

I was riding in the car with my best friend going home from the Museum of Death ($15 to get in, free parking) in Hollywood, CA and I see this big billboard, a gas station. It was a big white board and in big letters it said something like, We kept this board plain so you can keep your eyes on the road, and in small print on the bottom it says the gas station is on the driver's side.... Sooo... yada yada nonsense is blasted in big letters, drivers taking their eyes off the road to read the billboard sees bullshit that is unneccessary and yet they have to squint to read the information they NEED to know... How pointless.

Ricky Gervais

Just finished the Ricky Gervais podcast, love it. Until my on-demand works again, I have to finish the animated show based on the same show. <3

Check it out.

Jonathon Rhys Meyers

Every once in a while I'll find an actor, I'll watch a few things and this same actor will just happen to be in them and I'll be very intrigued to see their list of filmography and watch (almost) all of them. I'm not a big celebrity person, I don't care about their fashions, opinions, or personal lives. But sometimes, I'll come across someone and be fascinated by their approach to their craft. A lot of actors (and other artists) just follow down their career path because they want to be famous or they like the money... That's not a real actor to me, a real actor spawns from the ideals of those who once ventured on stage to act out plays, read from banned scripts, perform when no one was watching, only to be spit on or insulted all because it was their passion. And every once in a while, I'll see an actor that is a real actor by my definition and get online so I can google the filmography, just like I'm doing with Meyers (and will soon be doing with Ben Foster).

"It`s not about money, fame, people knowing you. It`s not even about enjoying yourself and being happy. It`s about achieving something that`s brilliant, creating something that`s brilliant, for other people. For yourself, you`re always going to be unsatisfied, but if somebody comes up to me and says, `That was a brilliant part, and I really, really got it`. That`s essentially it."

The Killer Tongue - Rudolph

The Disappearace of Finbar - Finbar

Michael Collins - Collin's assassin

 Samson and Delilah - Young Samson

The Maker - Josh

Telling Lies in America - Kevin

Velvet Goldmine - Brian

The Governess - Henry

B. Monkey - Bruno

The Tribe - Adam

The Loss of Sexual Innocence - Nic

Ride With the Devil - Pitt

Titus - Chiron

Prozac Nation - Noah

Tangled - Alan

Happy Now - Mark

Bend It Like Beckham - Joe

The Tesseract - Sean

Octane - The Father

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead - Davey

The Emperor's Wife - The Chamberlain

The Lion in Winter - King Phillip II

Vanity Fair - George

Alexander - Cassander

Match Point - Chris

Elvis - Elvis

Mission Impossible III - Declan

August Rush - Louis

The Children of Huang Shi - George

A Film With Me In It - Pierce

Shelter - Adam

From Paris with Love - James

A Swim at Two Birds - (2010) IN PRODUCTION

(TV) Gormenghast - Steerpike

(TV) The Magnificent Ambersons - George

(TV) The Tudors - King Henry VIII

(The Governess)

Cat Food

Cat food always smells good to me.

Swee3t Tattoos

Surf City Hookah Lounge

19092 Beach Blvd
Huntington Beach, CA 92648
(714) 963-0507
surfcityhookahlounge.com
Weekdays: 7:00 PM - 2:00 AM
Weekends: 7:00 PM - 3:00 AM

My home away from home Appus Hookah Lounge closed down =( So I went on a mission to find another one. I tried this one on Bixby Rd but it's closed for construction and I went to Exhale, but it's set outside (dress warm!) so I ventured outside of Long Beach, and stumbled upon Surf City in HB. There's enough couches and chairs (more than Appus), if you want a hookah experience fit for royalty, go to Hollywood to pay $19.99 per hookah, but if you don't mind a few holes in the couch you're sitting on, then this is your spot. I haven't seen any myself, but they do have bellydancers (but I think that's before 10pm, because I've only been there after 10pm). They have over 60 flavors, I've had the Peach and the Passion Kiss (I think it's called that), I liked them both but preferred Passion Kiss which is an exotic flavor so it's about $2 more. The price range is your usual price range, $10-$16. But why go alone?! So fraction that price, and there you go. There is always music and a few tv screens with music videos playing, you have to be 18+ to get in. The staff is laidback and professional, if it's busy don't expect to get your coals pronto but you get your money's worth. This is my new hookah spot (hoorah! finally).


If this is your first hookah, don't inhale too much, you might get a headache or you might start coughing (cuz it is smoke lol), bring water in your bag. My friend went to smoke hookah with me and she hasn't had any in a long time so she couldn't stop coughing, her deal was she was anticipating all that smoke to make her cough, but if she just opened her throat and not thought about it, she would have been fine. Cuz I didn't smoke hookah for almost a year and I was fine and this lounge is next to a lot of food places and is about 5-8 minutes from the 405.

I also read sometimes it's a nightclub so check out the myspace page, cuz usually the nightclub info are on myspace pages of businesses. myspace.com/surfcityhookah

XXX

Ever wanted to know how to get those black X marks off your hand when you go out?

Before you go, put clear nail polish on your skin, then when you get inside just wash it off and the X comes right off.

Mozart and the Whale

Just bought this DVD today, I saw it last year though. Thought it was worthy of adding to my collection.

Waist Training

Still waiting for this woman to reply back to my e-mail.

I think I might have to find another corset to buy.

=(

I want my corset already.

I've been wanting to waist train for years.

Yelp!

I love Yelp. =)

monasecret.yelp.com

My Banner!

The HTML one.

The code for BBC.

[URL=http://monasecret.blogspot.com][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/vDtPS.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

Dark Enchantment

A must-hear song: Eros by Late Night Alumni

Alpha Dog

I wanna see Alpha Dog now, I love Ben Foster.

Long Beach to Los Angeles

Last night I went to LA with one of my best friends, Amber and we just went there to try and find something to do. I guess her guy friend told her to come to the nightclub, Arena. I told her that club is expensive but we were already walking and it was past midnight. We ended up walking for an hour, because a cool minute to him is apparently slang for A LONG FUCKIN TIME and he gave us wrong directions, so we had to backtrack a little. We ended up never going to Arena, he instead picked us up from a liquer store. Amber was irritated because we ended up not doing shit in LA, but I wasn't irritated because I can have fun getting lost in LA as long as I'm with a best friend, I don't need alcohol, parties, or guys to make my night complete. And yeah my feet hurt, but I wore boots so the heel wasn't that big and after you get lost in New York in high heels because your mother says the place you're going to is "right around the corner"... getting lost in Los Angeles in 3 inch heels don't really bother you.

I also went out with my other best friend Daysha, we kept it local and went to 2nd street. But drama followed us, like always. Me and her are going out again tonight, we planned on going to this Metro nightclub in LA but I don't feel like driving there again and trying to find parking, again. I might have to look for another place for us to go, someplace else. My desire to return to Los Angeles after not being there for 6 months is gone, after walking around LA for an hour this morning.

CUNT

I know my photoshoot idea isn't THAT out there, there's no way I'm too controversial or offensive in the art world, there's no way. But I cannot get a girl to have that written on her, maybe the contract bit scares them, it's not like she's gonna sign her life away to me, just so I can one day try to submit it to an art gallery without getting a phone call from her lawyer the next day, that's all that's for. People get on my nerves.

Twitter

I got over using Twitter, people say ignorant shit on there and other dumbasses wanna retweet them lol, and it's just like the new myspace, nothing but drama. And I was getting irritated so I deleted that mess. Yuck.

FAGGOT

I recently had a photoshoot and I had this idea with paint and I wanted to write Faggot on him, nothing to do with him actually being gay, he just offered to do a shoot with me, I would have written faggot on anyone. I do have an idea of painting CUNT on a girl, maybe BITCH too, REDNECK on a white person, NIGGER on a black person. And just have the photos lined up next to each other. Just how society paints descriptions on people, and also how those same people believe those descriptions. Just like the gay person who believes he/she's a faggot, that girl who believes she's a cunt, that black person who believes he/she's a nigger, that white person who believes he/she's a redneck. The whole idea is, basically we, being those labeled by society, are actually taking that figurative paintbrush and labeling ourselves. That's the whole idea for this photoshoot.

Podcasts

Podcasts were introduced to me by my mom. I recently subscribed to Ricky Gervais, that show is hilarious. I watched a stand up once, it wasn't that funny, but I've seen him in movies and he's hilarious. Maybe it was just that one show, that didn't tickle my funny bone.

I also subscribed to NASA. When I was little my dad used to always look at the sky through his telescope. At our old apartment there was this staircase that led to the roof and people rarely went up there, I don't think they would have went up there unless there was a bigass sign saying, You Can Be Up Here, but there wasn't.... My dad used to always be up there, looking up at the sky, at the planets and constellations and such, and I would go up there because I knew if he wasn't in our home then he was on the roof, and he would have hot tea or something and I would bring a big blanket and just sit up there with him and he would let me look through his telescope.

I also have Eddie Izzard's London show on my iTunes.

<3 Gotta love podcasts.

Darwin's Flaw

I'm afraid I have to disagree with Charles Darwin, on his theory of "survival of the fittest". Because too many weaklings have survived. Probably that theory worked millions of years ago, but I think that theory stopped a very long time ago. It's more likely to be survival of the cleverest or survival of the cowards who hide from the fittest....

If Darwin's theory was correct and still is correct, then people with weak immune systems and sickness should have been taken out by now, and so on. I think half of life is chance, you're lucky to be alive, you're not the fittest, you just weren't in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Honestly..

Each friend has something that the next friend does not. I've always been the one that somebody could tell their deepest, darkest secret too.

My Best Friend's.... Graduation

F.F.F.

<3

2003-Infinity

Marching Band (behind the scenes)

best tv scene - walter vs. poptarts (Fringe)

So Blind

I tried to let you down easy

I didn’t lead you astray with lies,

But you didn’t wanna listen to me.

All I can say is you were blind with love

A kind of love I didn’t have for you,

I should have left you with just a bruised heart.

I’m sorry for staying so long

In this fest of a fantasy,

It wasn’t my world, so I didn’t add to it.

Defenses are up, sympathy is down

How many times, how many times,

Do I have to apologize cuz you were too blind to see?

I’m sorry for staying in your fantasy,

But your ears were closed,

Your eyes looked the other way.

I know you saw that number

Of that other dude from the club,

Written on a note in my pocket.

I treated you right

Up til the point you just denied,

The love was never there.

Defenses are up, sympathy is down

How many times, how many times,

Do I have to apologize cuz you were too blind to see?

I confessed I cheated,

I thought this ruse was through,

But you were just too damn blind to see.

I’m not sorry

You found me in bed with that other man,

I’m not sorry

I didn’t come home til late in the morning,

I’m not sorry

I didn’t always pick up my phone,

I’m not sorry

I didn’t accept your ring.

You can’t be that surprised

After all the signs I left you,

After all the times I told you,

The love ain’t there.

Stained Glass

I've been having these crazy, colorful, wacky ideas lately =D

I'm not satisfied with just taking photographs, so I've thought of a way to blend photography, paint, colorful foil, and stained glass into the picture..... pun intended.

My first photo is an old portrait I did of my best friend (FFF) Liz, Elizabeth Romero. It is black and white, so it won't be so expensive to do, but it won't be any less fun either.

(I should be studying my bartending flashcards, but instead am sitting here thinking of art).

I have yet to decide what to do with the foil, should I put it on top, behind, or collage it somehow...

Anyways, I'm excited about my current aspirations <3.

Photoshoot Rough Draft

I have a photoshoot set up with my friend/fashion designer/model Marc Coronado on Monday the 14th. We are going to be doing two photoshoots, one is his idea and the other is MY idea. I'm excited because I haven't done anything like this in a while =) Since 2008! I'm only going to have to buy a small can of black paint. And then I will be all set =)

"Antimalware Doctor" (bad medicine)

Antimalware Doctor decided to attack MY computer, so I got alll these pop ups and I knew it was bullshit from the start. I looked online and googled for like an hour telling me how to remove it manually but mostly it was, "download this antispyware" because deleting it manually was "too hard". I was like, fuck it. I downloaded one of them, I forgot which it was. I think it was from 2-viruses.com or something like that, and it didn't do anything to my computer it just required you to buy the program before it actually removed the threats. SOOO I uninstalled that and tried to remove it manually. I read that you have to go into your task manager (press alt+ctrl+del) and so I went into Processes and found two things that actually said antimalware (a smart virus wouldn't name itself for you...I know this) so I was looking for other things that looked suspicious, and BAM the 2 things i deleted popped back up again. I deleted those proccess trees about 4 times before I was like fuck this shit! I went into applications, when that little antimalware box was still on the bottom on my computer and i right clicked it (in the applications) and it gave u an option to go directly to that process, so i did and ofcourse it wasn't named antimalware, it was setupupdater0000.exe. So I deleted that along with the other two, they didn't pop up again. So then I went into my registry (you go to your start and in the search bar type regedit, and click the Registry Editor. First I deleted HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Antimalware Doctor Inc\Antimalware Doctor. (You click the HKEY_CURRENT_USER folder, then the Software folder, etc). Then I deleted HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Uninstall\Antimalware Doctor. And the site I was looking at (http://www.removevirus.org/antimalware-doctor.html) told me to delete HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run "Antimalware Doctor.exe". But I clicked both Run folders and I didn't see that ANYWHERE. So all the while I have my control panel up where you uninstall programs and as well you know when you try to click uninstall antimalware doctor, it won't let you so with each thing i delete i try to uninstall it (to see if it works) and the pop up no longer comes up but now it's saying that i have to finish changing the program, so lightbulb goes off in my head and instead I go into the same Run folder and look for that setupupdater0000.exe file and I find it and I delete that. Then I go into my Programs and click uninstall and it says the program has already been uninstalled and disappears. Haven't had a pop up since.

Tattoo Rough Draft

SLUTS AND BITCHES!

A slut is somebody, male or female, who has sex with a whole bunch or random people thinking it's going to get them somewhere or to give the other person pleasure (like you don't have sex with them cuz UR horny).

If you have sex a lot because YOU wanna get some (AND!! you don't get their by lying to them, such as "I'll love you, or I'll leave my wife for you) you're not a slut, you're a Samantha! lol, but seriously, that doesn't make you a slut. The only time you can be labeled a "Playa" is when you and your buddies are keeping score.

A bitch (not a mean person you wanna slap) is different from a woman. If you're not a dirtyass bitch, you shouldn't turn your head or get offended because THEY AREN'T TALKING TO YOU! That's why I don't get offended, because I'm not one. A bitch, is like a slut but she comes with an owner.

Farmer in the City

Farmer in the City
Originally uploaded by jessicuhhlovely

Bored & Narcissistic

I hit my dad and kick his feet for no reason.
I look prettier with my face covered in green clay.
I prefer cats to social interaction.
I eat to taste, not to get full.
I hate pink, but secretly love it.
I never stare off into nothingness, I'm always looking at something (even if you cant see).
I pretend to drive crazy to make people stop tailgating (and it works).
I call white people niggers randomly without warning.
If I don't like you (and especially if you're German) I call you a Nazi.
I used to wake up with cuts on my face, ever since then I've tried to keep my nails short.
I used to sleepwalk when I was little (who knows if I still do).
I insult myself in the third person.
If you don't know me, you think I'm crazy.
I almost got sent to a mental institution once in the 5th grade.
I tend to attract Narcissists and Psychopaths.
I usually like what you don't.
I love wearing Brown.
Before I insult, I understand first.
I can argue with myself very well.
I don't really get along with people who are just like me.
I used to throw shit all the time when I was angry, when I was younger.
I played with Barbies, then cut off their heads and hung them on my mirror.
I fuck with people just to see their reaction.
You may be a hood thug, but I'm clever and crazy (I think that's worse).
I know of plenty of places to hide dead bodies.
My life is a satire, I act and talk like people I make fun of 24/7 (people think I'm actually like that).

So when people call me weird I just shrug and say, I know.

Rainbow gate

Rainbow gate..:)
Originally uploaded by Katarina 2353

=)

Expansion

Expansion
Originally uploaded by Katarina 2353

Beautiful photo I found

Snail Trail

snail trail
Originally uploaded by joecooke

Found this photo on Flickr, I'm assuming the link is given, therefore giving credit to the owner.

I'm just watching Amelie, looking for photos of snails to add to my gallery (you know... the usual day), I had taken a photo of a snail but that photo is lost forever =(.

I especially liked this one.

hair

I've always been set apart from others because I have long, super thick hair. I've been told by guys that I wouldn't be as attractive if my hair was short (they werent saying I'd be ugly, as one of them put it "that's what you have that makes other girls jealous"). I've kept my hair long because my ex wanted me to keep it long, he would trip if I cut it. And after I kept it long because it DOES set me apart, but I'm tired of it. I no longer care. I'm going to get it cut as soon as I find a haircut I like. Hair shouldn't define me.

hm

Is it just me? Or is a sibling registry for a sperm bank creepy? That's just setting your child up to be scarred for life. That's the downside of using a sperm donor... your child is going probably have 300 half siblings across the universe. And there are celebrity matches (kinda celeb stalker type shit lol but who cares!). I bet there are some angry mothers who thought they were getting a child by some Gerard Butler look-a-like but got the lovechild of Conan O' Brian.

"wtf!?!"

"mommy where did i come from?"

"a test tube made in Japan, you were shipped via FedEx ofcourse."

kokology

So I have this book that I've had for about a year, it's all Kokology; games of self discovery. They're very interesting, and I agree with most of it and weither i like to admit it or not, I agree with the results even the ones that point out my flaws and things I don't like to accept. I've just recently started reading it, about 2 days ago. I'm halfway through with it. But there's one thing that keeps on bugging me. Every now and then there will be a game where you have to imagine somebody that's supposed to represent your ideal mate or somebody that is like my personal messiah, not just a regular person that I love or feel comfortable with. I can never see anyone, it's always a man but it's always a shadow, a literal shadow. It's a man but he's drowned in black from head to toe. And I even try and force some kind of face, but it's just this mysterious shadow, even my subconscious is not letting me in. Or maybe I just don't think that hard or that far ahead so that person is nowhere in my subconscious mind.

Mona Lisa's Definitions & Exceptions of Cheating

1. The same rules apply to men AND women.
2. You can hang out with a person you find attractive, as long as it's not officially called a "date".
3. It's not cheating, if you're not having sex, any kind of foreplay, or going on official dates.
4. If the other person kisses you on the cheek or mouth (no tongue), it is not cheating.
5. However, if you kiss the other person first, it is cheating.
6. If you "forget" to remind your SO of this new person(s) in your life, it is not cheating.
7. Just because you feel guilty, doesn't mean you're cheating.
8. If you kiss on the mouth for only a couple seconds, it's fine as long as there was no tongue.
9. It is not cheating if you feel butterflies in your stomach at the thought of this other person.
10. Just because your SO defines cheating, doesn't make your obediance to those rules mandatory.
11. If your definition of cheating does not match your SO's, then it's up to you to decide which ones you will abide by.

bored weight

Cute guy at the fair I went to. I actually saw 2 (out of hundreds) REALLY good looking guys, but i'm more realistic nowadays.

What I wouldn't give to come home to an empty apartment of my own. FUCK.

I feel gross. I need (want to badly) lose atleast 10 pounds. If I just ate better I'd lose those 10 in a week easy. Just because I know how I eat, I've rarely ate when I'm hungry. I usually eat all day, hungry or not, it's just something to do. I eat when I'm bored, and I'm bored a lot. And it's not like I eat healthy all the time. But it's funny because I never know when I'm actually hungry because I always ate throughout the entire day, I never gave myself a chance to get hungry.  I didn't eat anything this morning and after the first couple hours of a growling stomach, I wasn't hungry. I actually had to force myself to eat dinner, because I literally wasn't hungry the entire day. And I ate salad and one slice of pizza and I was full but I started another slice of pizza, habits are hard to break, and I finished it because I didn't have any caloric intake the entire day except for my Protein Berry Workout jamba juice (16 oz.).

attempt #2

I did a more complex search on the same sperm bank. Okay, not all is lost. (whew) there were 0 exact matches =( but there were 222 partial searches found. And the free shit is cool =) they don't rob you. Is it sad that I'm staying up looking at profiles of sperm donors to ease the pain of boredom at 2:42am? (Just how bored am I?) They even have donor look-a-likes... if only I could believe that shit. The last time I took somebody's word on how a guy looked, I came face to face with a goblin from the lord of the rings.

The highest I got was 50% matched to what I asked for, and I only had two 50%s. It was either Chad Lindburg or Bill Gates... not much of a choice. So I went down in the 46%s and I like the Bulgarian.

I need to find something else to do when bored.

sperm or not to sperm

(Not that I'm looking to get pregnant soon, but curiosity killed the cat... fortunately for me, I'm human.)

I'm not one of those women who has dreamed of her husband since the age of 6.  So.. don't get me mixed up.

I don't have high standards, I really don't. But I went to this quick online search for this sperm bank of thousands of donors, the "donor catalog" (you have to register to actually order the sperm.. naturally) I only picked the eye color and the hair color... and zero matches found?

That's so fucking depressing.

Cock... a doodle do?

I used to check out so many cute, Black guys every time I turned my head, but now... I'm just not interested. Yeah I had sex with a white guy for the first time but I gave it a 5... 5.5 for effort, it didnt blow me to the ceiling (literally), so that's not why. The same guys that I would date don't do it for me anymore, a guy that's just cute or even really hot, if he's not intelligent and talented in some way too, I am in NO WAY interested...it's like my vagina locked the fridge. It's kind of depressing, because I see the guys that I would have said yes yes yes! to but I just shake my head as I feel nothing, not a damn thing.

first girl & first boy

Wednesday Alice

Luke Monet

super glue

I try to disappear while not doing anything different, hoping the same people will forget I'm there so I can be left alone for once. I'm over being in the same argument with my ex-boyfriend for the past few years. It's WWIII with me, it's neverending. I don't care if we become friends, which I doubt will happen because he's bad at just being friends with an ex, but when will the battle just stop? I'm tired of fighting, but I have to keep it up because I'm not falling back in the same pattern, I'm not getting back with him, and he doesn't realize that it's exhausting repeating myself all the time. And those who just tell me to leave him alone and he will leave me alone, don't know him. I'm tired of people telling me what to do with my life like they know better and I'm tired of being looked down on by people who call themselves my friends. I treasure the good times me and my ex had, but the bad times overshadow them. I will never sell the ring or pawn it, I treasure that and those who have never truly been in love, don't understand the value. It is sad that all my hopes of being married to him and having his kids are dead, those hopes were raped, beaten, and shot. I'm not in love with him anymore but it still puts a weight on my shoulders. Even after all the shit he put me through, I don't wish him any ill-will, but he wants to call me immature because I don't want to talk to him about us...I've said everything that I could possibly say, it's not immature if you're tired of talking about the same shit years later.

projects

Still working on my graphic novel project. I'm going to start my children book projects and next summer i get to finish my novel =) yay. well the first draft, i go through 100 drafts when i write.

hi-heeeeeh

I need to start looking for 80s music. im such a freak sometimes but thats ok.

wait

Sometimes I feel myself start to cry, just sitting there, staring at nothing in particular.  It's like I'm walking through crowds and sitting at coffee shops, waving to a friend, looking at a cute guy, but no one sees me. They just walk past, continuing their day without giving me a thought. I used to read everyday, I was never bored, I always found things to do. I stopped reading, I stopped writing, I havent really given a fuck about the garden outside and about the vegetables I was suppossed to be growing a few seasons ago. I guess it was a void I was filling and then I found the love of my life and I guess he filled that void, but that was the biggest fuck up of my life. It really takes a person of great persuasion to make you feel like you have no say in getting slapped across the face or getting beaten with a shoe with your arms pinned. It must take a lot to make a person feel so worthless that they would eat the shit from the bottom of a shoe just when asked. You don't even need to press a knife to their throat or anything, you just tell them "eat the shit from the bottom of that shoe" and they abide, crying, but still choose to do so. To make somebody feel so worthless, that they're not good for anything except one day every two weeks when their paycheck comes, takes a great person. To be able to rape someone then walk away and just shrug when confronted is astounding, but it takes a person with greater persona to be able to rape someone, walk away, shrug, and still own that person like a table or a chair. I never felt like a girlfriend, I felt like property, but I stayed. I don't like telling people that, especially my friends EVERYTHING he did to me, because I'M the one that stayed with that punishment for 2 years, that makes me look weak. I was weak, I turned into a blubbering, love-sick puppy with zero self-worth. I honestly thought I couldn't do any better than a guy that cheated on me, hit me, and used me every chance he got. But I can write that here because no one reads this blog.

But that was ages ago, but I still think about it. Just as I do with a lot of things. Ever since I was little I always read that traumatic experiences are shoved back in our mind like they didnt happen until something triggers the memories. I've always waited patiently for my bad memories to be shoved in the back of my mind, the dreams of a dead friend the day after he died, my ex, Lailah. I'm still waiting. I feel like I'm falling through space sometimes. I'm sitting in this chair but time is ticking my life away and I have nothing to show for it. I've aged 21 years and all I have are what ifs and bad memories. I strive to be happy, I strive to run away but I never walk out that door, bag in hand. What I crave to run from is all in my head, I can't run away from myself, it will always be with me. I think.... maybe if I sit still they won't see me. It's the only time I have peave anymore. When I'm just sitting or laying down, staring at nothing in particular, feeling myself almost start to cry, I don't know why though, they just come like my eyes remember something I don't. Everything is a reminder of something bad to me.  Every face reminds me of another. I'm still waiting.

Maybe I don't really read anymore to escape into solace because it's pointless, just staring at the cover and how many pages there are, most likely an average of about 300 pages, is defeating. I'll finish it in what... 2 days, 3, 4? Even then I'll have to put the book down sometime to use the bathroom or do something for a friend or go to school when I think of memories or see something or someone that reminds me of something or someone else that I wish so badly my mind would realize I don't want to remember anymore and shove it in the back of my mind where it will collect dust and I won't just sit here and cry mystery tears and then see something that triggers a thought I don't want to think of. Every book ends. It's so self-defeating. So many things in life are logically pointless but when we're happy we don't think about logic we just do what makes us happy and find happiness in those very illogical, pointless acts or things. Where did my happiness go, where did that go exactly? I would like to know. No one reads this blog, no one sees me as I'm walking past anyway. So pointless, this blog. But I guess it fills a void I have. I still find tears in my eyes, just sitting here, being swallowed by time and space, hearing life tick tock by. Still waiting.

f.m.l

Life sucks right now. You know you've reached a dead end when you've flown across time zones, left your phone, and still haven't escaped.


But there are always recipes. Cooking is one of the few things that make me happy. But then even at the end, you still have to turn off the stove.

my new found love

Death's Puppet - a poem i wrote 6 years ago

No one can escape death

No matter how far you run.

It always comes to get you

When your time is done.

Most only die once

In their times of joy.

I on the other hand

Is death's little toy.

To the curse of living

I am attached by strings.

Everything I ever loved

Is gone by many things.

Those of envy and jealousy

Always say.

"You are so lucky

In many different ways."

I groan at them; disgusted

And reply and say.

"You'd hate to be me

I'm not lucky at all, no way."

Persistent little insects they are

Saying once more they say.

"But you're so daring so brave

Ofcourse you're lucky in many ways."

They don't know what they're saying

I ignore them; disgusted once more.

I mutter to myself; the stupid fools

My miserable life is full of gore.

I am surrounded by death and pain

I no longer shed tears.

I'm not fearless, daring, or brave

Because of the bitter lies and hateful leers.

Those that are full of envy

Are just jealous of a lie.

I'm not fearless of all living things

I'm just not afraid to die.