Late Night Confessions

It's practically day light outside and I have to wake up at 11am to feed my dogs and then later babysit my godson until 9:30pm, hopefully I'll have the energy because he can walk now. I do have plans for him today but I don't know how long they will last. I don't want to go to sleep anyways. Sleeping is essential but is such a waste.

I've always been fascinated with baby names but recently when I found out I could more than likely be infertile, I lost almost all fascination with names, because I'm like what's the point? It's like making one of those, create your own shoes or car when you know you can't afford it, it's just another reminder of what you can't have.

I've never been a marriage person. When I got back with my ex, I planned our wedding after he proposed to me. Never say yes when you're not in love by the way. I think I planned it because I just like planning and creating shit. I had everything on this one wedding planner site, theknot.com. After we broke up I've kind of banned myself from going to that site, I'm not saying I have urges to go there, I just don't care for the idea of marriage even more now. And it's not that kind of bitter dislike, it's just less appealing. Just like the idea of me getting a boyfriend is not appealing at all. And guys don't even get it when I say I'm tired of relationships after getting out of my relationship with my ex. "I'm not your ex" is all they'd ever say, and I'd reply with, "you weren't listening to anything I fuckin said." I'm not bitter, I don't hate men, I don't think all men are assholes, I just don't want another boyfriend after being in such a long relationship. I never got a chance to just fuckin ENJOY those 4 years of my life, soooo... why would I throw myself into another relationship? Some people find being in a relationship as a nice security blanket, I see it as a blanket that's suffocating me. When I finally have a chance to be free and on my own and not have anyone to call or make sure I remember their birthday and remember the anniversary date, and not having to explain myself for every single thing that's taken out of context.... why the FUCK..... would I voluntarily lock myself in that cage? That's the point they don't get, that just smells like desperation to me, when you want to be in a relationship with me so bad after not really finding out what kind of person I am. I just stopped telling people that. When they ask why I'm single I just say because I want to be. It is the truth after all.